There is a huge weight on my shoulders right now. There is an opportunity in front of me, that I have been striving toward for over a year. Much hard work, stress, and emotion was put into getting here. At one point, it was the only thing I wanted in life.
I have until Friday to decide if I want it anymore, or not.
I think it could go without saying, I still want it. I still want to go, to be, to have. I still deserve this, I still could do this. It's still me.. but it's still a hard choice.
When I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes. I don't have that fluttery feeling everytime I think about it. Correction: I still get fluttery, but for the opposite reason.
I pictured the moment of acceptance a happy occasion. Toasting my friends, and a smile on my face all night despite the gut feeling that I will have to leave them eventually. Yeah, that's what I pictured. Instead, I read the news alone in my room, and felt very unsettled. Nervous. Weary. Afraid. And I cried all morning. And no, it's not cold feet. I got nervous, and afraid, because I knew I had to make a decision, and I had already been having second thoughts.
Many things keep running through my head, things people have:
"Run. Run as far as you can."
"Do it. I think you should go for it."
"This could be a once in a lifetime opportunity."
Run. Run, she says. I took her advice that night, and I ran to Toronto. I felt it was right, although I didn't want to leave my friends. I didn't want to leave my boyfriend. I didn't want to leave my home. But I went anyway, because I felt like it was where I should be.
He had only heard of my dilemma, he hadn't heard my side, the pros or the cons, he just knew what was in front of me. And even when I said I'd have to leave in February, he still said to go for it.
Once in a lifetime opportunity.... I'm not one to pass those up. I didn't pass up jumping off a bridge, didn't pass off Moncton Skydive (although they passed me off) I try new things. I am a head-on person.
Although running worked when I moved to Toronto, who's to say it'd work going to Australia? The only way to know is to go. But that is a huge jump. That's one of the biggest jump I could possibly make.
I didn't want to tell people about my acceptance for one reason: They would be excited for me. If I say no to this opportunity, everybody's immediate reaction is "Why the HELL not!" People would understand, if I had to explain, that it wasn't for me. But that's where I'm stuck...
Is it for me? It was. But is it now? Is this the right time to go?
What about the alternatives? Seneca has an Independent Music Production program, that I could do. And I could look into schooling abroad with my business -- do a semester in Australia.
So here I am, with this huge opportunity in front of me. I am hesitating. Hesitating a lot. There must be a good reason as to why I'm hesitating, right? Something is telling me not to. Even though I miss music.
This is one of those choices that will effect my entire life. Three years there, or three years choosing not to go, is big. Bigger than I can really comprehend on a conscious level right now. I have to finalize my decision by Friday.
I wish I could ask for help.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
My New Place
I'm in Toronto now, as most of you who read this know. Orientation week at Seneca college is not as exciting as I had hoped. There are some activities and I have met a couple people though. Ryan, an RA, (Resident Adviser)Alex, she's on the 11th floor taking Law Clerk, Caroline, taking Librarian Technician along with her friend who I can't remember, and Ashley. Jason, who is in Marketing, and Brandon. My roommate is Alyssia/Elissa, she pronounces it Ah-lee-see-ya, but I don't know how to spell it (And an RA called her Elissa) She is taking Television Broadcasting, I believe. This information means nothing to you, I know, but it helps for me to type it out so I don't forget these names :P
Anyway, this is what my room looks like!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I'm Perfectly Happy Humming the Solo
Today I was singing along to some song in the radio, and a guitar solo came on, and I started humming it, too. It reminded me of when our [the Singing Bridge Orchestra] band would be late on a kazoo riff and we'd all just buzz it ourselves, improvise. We'd laugh.. The people around us would laugh.. And I thought that if that ever happened at a gig/concert (sort of like what happened at the Lawson party) it's nice to be ABLE to improvise and not NEED a kazoo. (Sorry if I'm spelling that wrong - let me know) But when you become big and famous... you can't. If you mess up or forget something, your audience is upset and won't laugh with you. 10, 000 people will not like having their money taken to see that show, generally. There are the few that would laugh with or at you, like the people who came to see you from Carleton County, but for the most part, you just can't do that. The only thing that can be real about you, is your lyrics, and that's only if you write your own, and your label isn't trying to re-rewire your songs. From what I've learned (and this is also genre-depending,) they dress you, they do your hair, your makeup, they write half of your songs, criticize your style, tell you where to stand on the stage and what to do when you hit that mark... you don't really have a life.
I also thought about the life part of it today. Working at Jellystone I see so many little kids, some cute, some not, some pleasant, some fussy, but it makes me realize I'd like to have kids someday. Its not a necessity, but if the chance arose and everything was in its right place, I would love to have children.
Do you get a real opportunity in the 'biz'? It doesn't look like it. You don't have much of a personal life -- I think I'd be okay at keeping my private life private, but you never know.. and even then, just because you have a private life, doesn't mean it's a fulfilling part of your life.
I just thought a lot today about success, and what it actually means to me. Giggie and many other people have asked me what it means, and I always knew what it meant inside, just never felt it.
Today I realized even though the feeling of singing to ten thousand people would be absolutely priceless, having my own career, people knowing my name, listening to my music, peering into the windows of my soul... even though all of that is exciting to me and I'd love to do it -- I'd also be perfectly happy singing to a small town. Small gigs and "small" money, because the laughs are big, the hearts are big, and are rarely ever full. The love is felt, the music is truly shared, and the creativeness always just bursts out when it wants.
I missed out on playing at the celebrations today with the band, and I feel awful. Not guilty awful, but awful that I couldn't share such an amazing thing with them. A real stage, real sound-check people, big equipment, extra mic's.. I just feel like I missed out, and it saddened me a bit.
I've wanted to write about how my passion for music is struggling, but I'm not ready to admit it yet. I'm still hoping I'll get the real spark back soon. I miss it... There are a lot of factors, but I'm not ready to rant about it. There's enough going on in my head as it is.
So, what is success to me? It's being happy where you are. Not just content, not just accepting, it's happiness. You have to realize what makes you happy, that's the first step, and the next is to achieve it, go for it, strive for it, and then you can be successful. Success isn't a 70-day European tour with the biggest names around, it's more than that. It's the backstage flukes, the mic checks, the rehearsals that are so stressful, but when you're actually playing, you get lost in the moment. It's forgetting something, and improvising. It's the wonderful people around me that make playing worth it.
I've known this all along, but it just hit me today.
I love it when things just... hit.
I also thought about the life part of it today. Working at Jellystone I see so many little kids, some cute, some not, some pleasant, some fussy, but it makes me realize I'd like to have kids someday. Its not a necessity, but if the chance arose and everything was in its right place, I would love to have children.
Do you get a real opportunity in the 'biz'? It doesn't look like it. You don't have much of a personal life -- I think I'd be okay at keeping my private life private, but you never know.. and even then, just because you have a private life, doesn't mean it's a fulfilling part of your life.
I just thought a lot today about success, and what it actually means to me. Giggie and many other people have asked me what it means, and I always knew what it meant inside, just never felt it.
Today I realized even though the feeling of singing to ten thousand people would be absolutely priceless, having my own career, people knowing my name, listening to my music, peering into the windows of my soul... even though all of that is exciting to me and I'd love to do it -- I'd also be perfectly happy singing to a small town. Small gigs and "small" money, because the laughs are big, the hearts are big, and are rarely ever full. The love is felt, the music is truly shared, and the creativeness always just bursts out when it wants.
I missed out on playing at the celebrations today with the band, and I feel awful. Not guilty awful, but awful that I couldn't share such an amazing thing with them. A real stage, real sound-check people, big equipment, extra mic's.. I just feel like I missed out, and it saddened me a bit.
I've wanted to write about how my passion for music is struggling, but I'm not ready to admit it yet. I'm still hoping I'll get the real spark back soon. I miss it... There are a lot of factors, but I'm not ready to rant about it. There's enough going on in my head as it is.
So, what is success to me? It's being happy where you are. Not just content, not just accepting, it's happiness. You have to realize what makes you happy, that's the first step, and the next is to achieve it, go for it, strive for it, and then you can be successful. Success isn't a 70-day European tour with the biggest names around, it's more than that. It's the backstage flukes, the mic checks, the rehearsals that are so stressful, but when you're actually playing, you get lost in the moment. It's forgetting something, and improvising. It's the wonderful people around me that make playing worth it.
I've known this all along, but it just hit me today.
I love it when things just... hit.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Two Days
I miss blogging, so I apologize if this blog is boring as hell.
I drove into school today and I notice some kids standing outside with a pink sign. At first I thought it was some sort of protest, 'cause that's been happening a lot this week, but then I saw what it said - "Student Parking" (in the Staff parking lot) So AWESOME. It's our senior prank, though it would have been nice if we could have done it in the winter and made the teachers see the freezing cold walk we have to endure every morning :P (We still have it easy, I know.)
I drive in, and of course, like every other day somebody has messed up the parking. There is a row of three right in the middle. So I did a big loop and parked on the side. We're 16+ now, it baffles me that some people can't see that there's one too many cars in a line.
There are streamers everywhere, the words "Class of 09" everywhere, and random scenes up. (Like trash cans being surrounded by saran wrap)
I've waited three years to be the oldest in the school (as per grade) and it's finally here. It's not as special as I thought it'd be in grade nine, but it's a good feeling knowing I'll be done with these hallways soon.
I'll write something a little more interesting when I have more time. Homeroom isn't a very inspirational place anyway.
;)
I drove into school today and I notice some kids standing outside with a pink sign. At first I thought it was some sort of protest, 'cause that's been happening a lot this week, but then I saw what it said - "Student Parking" (in the Staff parking lot) So AWESOME. It's our senior prank, though it would have been nice if we could have done it in the winter and made the teachers see the freezing cold walk we have to endure every morning :P (We still have it easy, I know.)
I drive in, and of course, like every other day somebody has messed up the parking. There is a row of three right in the middle. So I did a big loop and parked on the side. We're 16+ now, it baffles me that some people can't see that there's one too many cars in a line.
There are streamers everywhere, the words "Class of 09" everywhere, and random scenes up. (Like trash cans being surrounded by saran wrap)
I've waited three years to be the oldest in the school (as per grade) and it's finally here. It's not as special as I thought it'd be in grade nine, but it's a good feeling knowing I'll be done with these hallways soon.
I'll write something a little more interesting when I have more time. Homeroom isn't a very inspirational place anyway.
;)
Saturday, April 4, 2009
24 Hours
First off I'll say this entry will be quite long. Unless you're super bored or actually like reading my thoughts, I suggest you move on right now.
Last chance...
No?
Okay. Here's a little something I wrote before I left for the open house at Seneca:
Woodstock wasn't the same last year. Last year I had no real friends who shared my interests and we created together. No, last year I had very few friends who really mattered. Last year it was dull... I sat home a lot, wishing somebody would ask me to do something, but I'd always dread going out with the person who asked.
Last year I had a falling out with my best friend. That hasn't healed fully yet. Last year I had interests that failed.... and failed hard. Last year I was alone, and the same dream that I had when I was eleven still ran through my veins:
Run.
I still want to run, don't get me wrong. Not only do I owe it to the younger me, but I want to get out, I want to see the world and find out where I belong. See what's out there, experience new things, new culture and people.
But this year... I have friends who I can count on. Nobody is using me. I'm learning things I have chosen to learn about. I have a group of friends who share my love of music, and who will create it with me. These friends go through it all- I guess we're fairly.. new to each other, but we've all bonded at least a little bit. I'm the odd one out on that point, but it's a mutual understanding between everybody. This group has survived break ups, and couplings of people on the inside. We can handle anything. Nobody's judging me (that I care about). I have a boyfriend, and although technically we haven't been together for very long, he cares very much for me and I can tell every time we're together. Every time we're in a group and he looks at me, without caring who is watching. It's not fully developed (and maybe never will be, as I'll continue later), but it's still strong, and it's something worth fighting for.
This year, I am becoming slightly involved in the community. I've started nothing, but my friends are quite active and I try to help out (Seems like a cop-out, but hey, I'm new to this stuff). An arts cooperative is underway, music festivals, mini art-workshops... The artsy community is finally showing their face in Woodstock, and it's wonderful! It's not so dull. Maybe it's always been there and I'm just noticing it now, but the fact still remains, I am now seeing it, I am now involved, I am now part of it, now aware.
This year is much different than last. I know that things change every day and perhaps it will not be the same even in a few months, but here is my dilemma:
I am seventeen. A seventeen year old has enough stress put on them, figuring out where to go to college/university, if they want to go, what they want to take, financing, parting with friends, graduating high school, etc., etc., etc. I guess I'm pretty normal, eh. But most seventeen year olds are still finding themselves... they don't know what they want to do with their life... they know they're staying in the province they have lived in the past ten or more years...
Me? I know who I am. I know what my passion is, I know what I demand, I know what I will compromise. I know who I am around people, I know who I am alone. Sometimes I need reminding, but such is the same for everybody. I know I'll change, I know I'll lose myself, and I know I haven't experienced self in another atmosphere except here -but as a person, I'm pretty confident.
I know what I want to do. Maybe that's a problem. I know I want to try to make it in the music business, at least try. I've come to terms that I'll probably fail, and so I have a backup plan, which is also something I would enjoy doing. I know what I want to take in school, and I basically know where I want to go.
I'm not trying to say I deserve special attention or that it's harder for me right now than it is for everybody else, no. Please don't take it that way. These are just my dilemmas, and how I see it.
I wanted to run when I had nothing. Now, as the summer approaches and colleges are demanding I accept or decline.. the choice is there for me to make.
My question is, how do you walk away from so much? From people who make you feel like you belong? How do you walk away from somebody who makes you happier than you can remember ever being? How do you walk away from a growing community that you've been waiting for? How do you walk away from supportive friends? Who assist you in what ways they can, who just because you're you, will offer you chances and possibilities that nobody else gets? How do you walk away from all of this and more, that I simply haven't the time to type out.. (But believe me, I've thought about this for a long time, and I came to the conclusion that right now, this place has offered me more than I ever imagined.)
That's a loaded question, eh. How do you walk away?
It's a part of growing up, eh? Don't tell me that's the answer, I won't believe you. It's the norm, to let go of friends, to move away, to do your own thing. And believe me, I'm not afraid to move away, not afraid to be on my own and start something new.... I just..don't want to. Not right now.
Geoff told me awhile back, "Don't do what you don't want to do."
I think that phrase has stuck with me more than needed. I don't want to leave just yet, but I should. So where is the line between should, and want? Where do you draw it? And how do you know when it's okay to cross?
I should go away, because I deserve to be out there, experiencing new things. I should go away, because if I get accepted to Griffith, I need some transitional period, so it's not a 360 degree shift. I should go away because the best schooling for what I plan to do isn't around here. I should go away because I have wanted to since I had the power to understand this town.
I want to stay, because this town and these people are offering me more than what I have been. It's changing here, and I want to see how, I want to be a part of it. I want to stay because those very same people are my friends, who I care for deeply, and who care for me, too. I want to stay because I have somebody holding my hand through the days, that I don't want to let go of. I want to stay because I'm afraid I won't find another place that feels like home....
I guess fear is natural. I will find people, I will find new friends, and odds are I will fall for somebody new, again. I will hold new hands, I will cry new tears, walk down new roads, drink new liquids, laugh at new jokes; everything will change. And as humans, we roll with the changes, we are adaptable. (Some more than others.) And I know that most people who face these changes didn't want to. I am no different.
But who, of those people, crossed the line? How did they know when and where to cross it? Did they pick one side over the other?
They did it. Maybe they stayed, and things changed, or maybe they ran, and things changed.
I'm young, and I'm more confused now than I have been for a long time. Having a near panic attack right before I fall asleep because reality has set in, not only set in, it hit me in the guts...hard. So I frantically search my mind and internet for new ways, new schools that are closer, but far enough that I can run to. No answers are found... so I force myself to bed, and get a shitty night's sleep after that.
So again I ask, where do you draw the line between want and should? What if a part of should, is embedded in your desires. What if I ran, and one day looked back and thought... I should have stayed. how can you tell, truly, what it is you should do?
------------------
I cut out a part or two of that, and changed some wording so it would make more sense to you, but that's a general look into my mind as of late. There are a million other thoughts, and many thoughts extend and expand and contract ... but those thoughts just came out with some sense.
I visited Seneca today (holy crap, I was in Toronto 12 hours ago.) and man, the Markham campus is beautiful! Mom said nothing about it, good or bad, just kept quiet as we drove to the Newnham campus afterward, but I was still a little blown away.
Glass windows cover the whole front, letting even the darkest of days seem light inside. Little fountains.. Very open entryway.. Classrooms are so colourful, which is what I need, I think. White walls day in and day out get to me. (Probably why my room is blue!) The prof's I met were very nice, and easy to listen to 50% of the time. The future students were friendly.. Not talkative, but friendly. There was just..nothing wrong with that campus. I was excited to be there, excited I could be there in a few months actually learning something.
Then Mom and I drove to the Newnham campus in Toronto to see residence. As soon as we stepped in I could feel it... I felt the entire building weighing down on me. Waited for the tour, which was disappointing. The guide was nice, had good information... but the hallways, the closed off rooms, the almost claustrophobic feeling of that building weighed heavily. I sat on the bed inside of the room she showed us, I knew... I thought to myself, "This could never be home." I would get used to it, but I would be so lonely. So out of place..
And the campus at Newnham wasn't nearly as nice as Markham so I'm not even going to go into a description of any sort.
I came home.. saw the familiar faces, and to end off the night, was in familiar arms.
Seneca is great. And I think that my idea of should still stands. In this case, I think what I should do, needs to come before what I want to do. I need to be prepared, I need to be responsible, as much as that will hurt. My search isn't over... I'd love to be happy with a decision, but at least this one I can live with.
By the end of that 24 hours, I was happy to be home. Safe and sound in those arms.
Last chance...
No?
Okay. Here's a little something I wrote before I left for the open house at Seneca:
Woodstock wasn't the same last year. Last year I had no real friends who shared my interests and we created together. No, last year I had very few friends who really mattered. Last year it was dull... I sat home a lot, wishing somebody would ask me to do something, but I'd always dread going out with the person who asked.
Last year I had a falling out with my best friend. That hasn't healed fully yet. Last year I had interests that failed.... and failed hard. Last year I was alone, and the same dream that I had when I was eleven still ran through my veins:
Run.
I still want to run, don't get me wrong. Not only do I owe it to the younger me, but I want to get out, I want to see the world and find out where I belong. See what's out there, experience new things, new culture and people.
But this year... I have friends who I can count on. Nobody is using me. I'm learning things I have chosen to learn about. I have a group of friends who share my love of music, and who will create it with me. These friends go through it all- I guess we're fairly.. new to each other, but we've all bonded at least a little bit. I'm the odd one out on that point, but it's a mutual understanding between everybody. This group has survived break ups, and couplings of people on the inside. We can handle anything. Nobody's judging me (that I care about). I have a boyfriend, and although technically we haven't been together for very long, he cares very much for me and I can tell every time we're together. Every time we're in a group and he looks at me, without caring who is watching. It's not fully developed (and maybe never will be, as I'll continue later), but it's still strong, and it's something worth fighting for.
This year, I am becoming slightly involved in the community. I've started nothing, but my friends are quite active and I try to help out (Seems like a cop-out, but hey, I'm new to this stuff). An arts cooperative is underway, music festivals, mini art-workshops... The artsy community is finally showing their face in Woodstock, and it's wonderful! It's not so dull. Maybe it's always been there and I'm just noticing it now, but the fact still remains, I am now seeing it, I am now involved, I am now part of it, now aware.
This year is much different than last. I know that things change every day and perhaps it will not be the same even in a few months, but here is my dilemma:
I am seventeen. A seventeen year old has enough stress put on them, figuring out where to go to college/university, if they want to go, what they want to take, financing, parting with friends, graduating high school, etc., etc., etc. I guess I'm pretty normal, eh. But most seventeen year olds are still finding themselves... they don't know what they want to do with their life... they know they're staying in the province they have lived in the past ten or more years...
Me? I know who I am. I know what my passion is, I know what I demand, I know what I will compromise. I know who I am around people, I know who I am alone. Sometimes I need reminding, but such is the same for everybody. I know I'll change, I know I'll lose myself, and I know I haven't experienced self in another atmosphere except here -but as a person, I'm pretty confident.
I know what I want to do. Maybe that's a problem. I know I want to try to make it in the music business, at least try. I've come to terms that I'll probably fail, and so I have a backup plan, which is also something I would enjoy doing. I know what I want to take in school, and I basically know where I want to go.
I'm not trying to say I deserve special attention or that it's harder for me right now than it is for everybody else, no. Please don't take it that way. These are just my dilemmas, and how I see it.
I wanted to run when I had nothing. Now, as the summer approaches and colleges are demanding I accept or decline.. the choice is there for me to make.
My question is, how do you walk away from so much? From people who make you feel like you belong? How do you walk away from somebody who makes you happier than you can remember ever being? How do you walk away from a growing community that you've been waiting for? How do you walk away from supportive friends? Who assist you in what ways they can, who just because you're you, will offer you chances and possibilities that nobody else gets? How do you walk away from all of this and more, that I simply haven't the time to type out.. (But believe me, I've thought about this for a long time, and I came to the conclusion that right now, this place has offered me more than I ever imagined.)
That's a loaded question, eh. How do you walk away?
It's a part of growing up, eh? Don't tell me that's the answer, I won't believe you. It's the norm, to let go of friends, to move away, to do your own thing. And believe me, I'm not afraid to move away, not afraid to be on my own and start something new.... I just..don't want to. Not right now.
Geoff told me awhile back, "Don't do what you don't want to do."
I think that phrase has stuck with me more than needed. I don't want to leave just yet, but I should. So where is the line between should, and want? Where do you draw it? And how do you know when it's okay to cross?
I should go away, because I deserve to be out there, experiencing new things. I should go away, because if I get accepted to Griffith, I need some transitional period, so it's not a 360 degree shift. I should go away because the best schooling for what I plan to do isn't around here. I should go away because I have wanted to since I had the power to understand this town.
I want to stay, because this town and these people are offering me more than what I have been. It's changing here, and I want to see how, I want to be a part of it. I want to stay because those very same people are my friends, who I care for deeply, and who care for me, too. I want to stay because I have somebody holding my hand through the days, that I don't want to let go of. I want to stay because I'm afraid I won't find another place that feels like home....
I guess fear is natural. I will find people, I will find new friends, and odds are I will fall for somebody new, again. I will hold new hands, I will cry new tears, walk down new roads, drink new liquids, laugh at new jokes; everything will change. And as humans, we roll with the changes, we are adaptable. (Some more than others.) And I know that most people who face these changes didn't want to. I am no different.
But who, of those people, crossed the line? How did they know when and where to cross it? Did they pick one side over the other?
They did it. Maybe they stayed, and things changed, or maybe they ran, and things changed.
I'm young, and I'm more confused now than I have been for a long time. Having a near panic attack right before I fall asleep because reality has set in, not only set in, it hit me in the guts...hard. So I frantically search my mind and internet for new ways, new schools that are closer, but far enough that I can run to. No answers are found... so I force myself to bed, and get a shitty night's sleep after that.
So again I ask, where do you draw the line between want and should? What if a part of should, is embedded in your desires. What if I ran, and one day looked back and thought... I should have stayed. how can you tell, truly, what it is you should do?
------------------
I cut out a part or two of that, and changed some wording so it would make more sense to you, but that's a general look into my mind as of late. There are a million other thoughts, and many thoughts extend and expand and contract ... but those thoughts just came out with some sense.
I visited Seneca today (holy crap, I was in Toronto 12 hours ago.) and man, the Markham campus is beautiful! Mom said nothing about it, good or bad, just kept quiet as we drove to the Newnham campus afterward, but I was still a little blown away.
Glass windows cover the whole front, letting even the darkest of days seem light inside. Little fountains.. Very open entryway.. Classrooms are so colourful, which is what I need, I think. White walls day in and day out get to me. (Probably why my room is blue!) The prof's I met were very nice, and easy to listen to 50% of the time. The future students were friendly.. Not talkative, but friendly. There was just..nothing wrong with that campus. I was excited to be there, excited I could be there in a few months actually learning something.
Then Mom and I drove to the Newnham campus in Toronto to see residence. As soon as we stepped in I could feel it... I felt the entire building weighing down on me. Waited for the tour, which was disappointing. The guide was nice, had good information... but the hallways, the closed off rooms, the almost claustrophobic feeling of that building weighed heavily. I sat on the bed inside of the room she showed us, I knew... I thought to myself, "This could never be home." I would get used to it, but I would be so lonely. So out of place..
And the campus at Newnham wasn't nearly as nice as Markham so I'm not even going to go into a description of any sort.
I came home.. saw the familiar faces, and to end off the night, was in familiar arms.
Seneca is great. And I think that my idea of should still stands. In this case, I think what I should do, needs to come before what I want to do. I need to be prepared, I need to be responsible, as much as that will hurt. My search isn't over... I'd love to be happy with a decision, but at least this one I can live with.
By the end of that 24 hours, I was happy to be home. Safe and sound in those arms.
Monday, March 16, 2009
We're All One
The school is very solemn today. Quiet, and slow. There's a compassion in the air, understood by (almost) everybody.
Teachers try to carry on and make things as regular as possible, but you can tell on some of them how hard they have to try and put that smile on, that "Good morning!" to all the students.
In a small town, it seems as though this happens more and more often, and they just keep getting younger. It seems like it's happening a lot, but imagine what a city would be like - word wouldn't get around as fast, if at all, but people are people.. Accidents happen.. The world keeps turning no matter where you go.
But that doesn't soften the blow, does it?
I didn't know Kelti very well. I've talked to her, and been around her a few times, but nothing really that would have been outside of school. I see my friends, though... They knew her.
This school alone, has suffered too much in the past couple years.
I'm not hurt, or upset.. Let's be honest, I didn't know her well enough to call her a friend, so I'm not personally affected. However, I feel the mood in the air. I feel the disbelief. It still hits me as death, but I'm not hurt.
Today we're not individuals standing alone, today we're all one, together.
R.I.P.
Teachers try to carry on and make things as regular as possible, but you can tell on some of them how hard they have to try and put that smile on, that "Good morning!" to all the students.
In a small town, it seems as though this happens more and more often, and they just keep getting younger. It seems like it's happening a lot, but imagine what a city would be like - word wouldn't get around as fast, if at all, but people are people.. Accidents happen.. The world keeps turning no matter where you go.
But that doesn't soften the blow, does it?
I didn't know Kelti very well. I've talked to her, and been around her a few times, but nothing really that would have been outside of school. I see my friends, though... They knew her.
This school alone, has suffered too much in the past couple years.
I'm not hurt, or upset.. Let's be honest, I didn't know her well enough to call her a friend, so I'm not personally affected. However, I feel the mood in the air. I feel the disbelief. It still hits me as death, but I'm not hurt.
Today we're not individuals standing alone, today we're all one, together.
R.I.P.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Passing
I intended to do a dedicated blog; and Ode to him yesterday [Sunday], but I was too wrapped up in the day itself to take out the time. I wanted to share stories and thoughts, but I didn't want to dwell, didn't really want to think about it, so I remembered in my own way, a happier way...
However, I still want to share this. I wrote this... God... So long ago. I was 11 or younger, probably. [So don't judge!] I memorized it as soon as I wrote it.
I never got to know him;
I couldn't say goodbye,
I didn't know what was happening..
I only did cry.
I never got to know him,
I was only two years old,
Yes, he was my father
And I loved him very bold.
If I could have just one wish,
You know what it would be?
That he walked me down that isle
When I get married.
It'd be the greatest thing for me
Because I never got to know him.
I love you dad,
And always will
From your daughter,
Abby.
I've written many, many pieces with him in mind, but I think that was the very first. It's much different than what I would write now, but I won't erase or change any of it.
He passed away March 1st. The day itself passed without much pain, but the days leading up were just torture to my soul.
I don't believe in god, and I don't believe in ghosts. But I believe my dad is still here.. Still watching over us in some way or another. I don't know what it was like when he was here, but I feel... that he never really left.
However, I still want to share this. I wrote this... God... So long ago. I was 11 or younger, probably. [So don't judge!] I memorized it as soon as I wrote it.
I never got to know him;
I couldn't say goodbye,
I didn't know what was happening..
I only did cry.
I never got to know him,
I was only two years old,
Yes, he was my father
And I loved him very bold.
If I could have just one wish,
You know what it would be?
That he walked me down that isle
When I get married.
It'd be the greatest thing for me
Because I never got to know him.
I love you dad,
And always will
From your daughter,
Abby.
I've written many, many pieces with him in mind, but I think that was the very first. It's much different than what I would write now, but I won't erase or change any of it.
He passed away March 1st. The day itself passed without much pain, but the days leading up were just torture to my soul.
I don't believe in god, and I don't believe in ghosts. But I believe my dad is still here.. Still watching over us in some way or another. I don't know what it was like when he was here, but I feel... that he never really left.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
